Youhei' Early years

I dont remember much about my earliest years but I will tell you what im told, and the things i know to be truth.

I was born May 14, 1988 to My mom Bobbi (roberta), and Ken (Kenneth). I had/have an older sister Amanda 3 years and 9 months older. I was a big baby... i think 8 lbs or more. very chunky. I just got chunkier from pictures ive seen. apparently my nick name was Rhino because i was a big baby. Our happy family didnt stay together for long. Just weeks after being born my dad left and divorced my mom.
From what i understand When my dad left we were living across the street from my Grandma and my Granpa's house, which through out my life would be the most stable and safe place id ever have to call home.
After we moved out of that house for unknown reasons we moved into Centerline Michigan and my mother was dating a fella named Dan. I dont remember him but ive heard awful stories. stories of him beating her and breaking her nose while I was him her arms. stories of his alcoholism. After that My grandparents helped my mom and us into a townhouse co-op, rent to own in fraser Michigan. It was supposed to be a start to
a home for the rest of our lives. somewhere my mom to plant her feet or whatever that saying is. That didnt last. There was this family down the street with this older woman Rose. Her teenage son took a liking to me and would play basket ball or try. i was about 2. we didnt really play basket ball more or less him bouncing it to me. MY mom started going out to the bar and partying with his mother Rose and she would let Russ babysit us,
more or less party at our house with his friends while she went out. My sister who was about 5 ish at the time thought Russ was so dreamy. We both looked up to him. and with Russ at our house partying all the time and my mom coming back from the bar to him babysitting us, and seeing how good he was with us during the day, she saw someone that was good to her kids. what she didnt see was that he was still a kid too. My mother grew feelings for this barely legal Russ and they started "dating".
In the summer of 1992 sometime my mother and russ eloped at the court house and had a "reception" or party in the park. He wasnt legal to drink, and She was ready to pop pregnant at the time so it was the best option for them.
We Lived in the town house for a few months longer from my understanding. While my mom was working however Russ' parties didnt stop and neither did the police calls. So after so many police calls, and then my mother brought home kittnes behind the home owners association and not paying the dues. she got caught with the kittens and we were evicted. That was just one of the many times we stayed with my grandparents inbetween homes.
After that stint We moved into Brenton Woods, a neighbor hood in Madison Heights michigan. It was one of the nicest houses, with the biggest potential that ill have lived in, in my childhood.
I remember my mother working alot, I always thought she was such a good mom because thats what she had to do for us kids. and Russ (who i called dad because thats the only "father figure id known, even though we went to my real fathers house on the weekends), would stay home with us. He wasnt really "staying home with us", he just was choosing not to work. He'd always buy these shitty cars and work on them drinking with his buddies in the garage not really paying atteniton to us. My older sister would watch Myself and my baby sister at the time shannon. I remember watching saved by the bell alot. and something fun and juvenile, when we wanted our dads attention we would throw
stuffed animals out the window and him or one of his friends, usually the women or his sister (aunt kristy) would bring them inside 2 flights of stairs. and then we'd do it all over again. ahh the joys before technology. we didnt have a phone alot or even cable tv. I did remember Russ waking up with me before school and watching Power rangers. this was our thing. we'd watch the power rangers and gargoyles together. I looked up to Russ. I didnt know anything about the things that were going on but I wanted to be just like him.
My mother worked midnights at the time. and alot of mornings while watching our shows together his friends and siblings would be asleep on the living room floor in a drunken stuper. I just thought it was a slumber party and thought it was so cool.
I dont remember details about Brenton woods but my mother working, spending time with my sister, and watching tv with russ. I do recall my step dad russ always wanting a dog. He'd bring dogs home and my mother hated dogs. Theyd tear things up and go to the bathroom all over the house and after a while they'd some how "run away" or "get out". later to find out my mom would sell them, or give them away behind her husbands back, but he'd always come home with a new dog.
looking back its kind of funny. he was relentless but my mother never backed down and the dogs were always gone.
We then after maybe a year if that in Brenton woods, for some reason had to leave, So we went back to my safe place. my grandparents home. I always had more friends there than i did at any house we lived in because my grandma lived in an area (at the time) where people raised their kids. Families lived there that, lived there when my mom was growing up, and now they're raising their kids there, who i were friends with.
I loved everytime I went to my Grammy and Papas. we always had normal dinner that wasnt fast food or at 10 O'clock at night. there were no cuss words or slamming doors, or drunken teenagers or early 20s. This is why my grandparents house was my safe place. My Aunt was home from college this time, and my mom and aunt didnt get along. My aunt did everthing by the book. college, church, dating, and at the time on her way to marriage. My aunt treated her parents with respect. My mom and aunt were totally different people. they lived there lives different. It is fun to look back on because they grew up the same way but ended
up totally different, but we'll have time to touch on that more as time goes on. My mom and my aunt would fight alot or argue. from my undestanding my mom didnt like rules and didnt respect my grandparents. even to today my grandma has a soft spot for my mother and my aunt didnt like my grammy being taken advantage of. My mom and aunt would fight pretty bad, and still remember vaguely remember my aunt not using any cuss words. I commend her. After all the fighting my mother quickly got out of my grandparents house. Im assuming with my grandparents help again.
The next house we lived at would be the house we lived at the longest for my childhood years, Ocala in Warren Michigan. This is where i remember things to start going bad... but this is also where i start kindergarten after being held back in brenton woods. Kennedy ELementary school was my first school. I dont remember much about kindergarten but I do remember for my birthday snack i brought cupcakes in ice cream cones.
Ocala house however is where i start remembering things for myself and not just being told how things had happend. I remember i was a kid that was very flamboyant and always seeking the attention of not only others but everyone. I wanted to be noticed by all. as time went on my sister made friends in school and i was friends with her friends younger siblings. there were like 3 other families that had kids my sister Amanda's age and younger kids my age. It always seemed their families were more put together than ours. even though looking back they had their issues too, they just werent as up front.
My step dad continues his partying at the house. his friends were always over. I remember his friends always teasing me and hearing the slurs "sissy", "faggot" and "pansy" called out as me while my mother was working and there were parties going on at the house. I didnt quite know what they meant but i knew they werent terms of enderement. My mother began to grow resentful of working all the time because her husband wouldnt get a job. And we never had any money because my mom's money went to support my step dad and his friends partying. I remember having to go to the neighbors or a pay phone with my sister far too often because my parents were fighting and call one of our friends to get us.
Their parents would always call it a sleep over, I was always beyond my years. I would always ask my mom if her and dad were getting a divorce and we were being packed up. She'd always say no, and kiss me and say they both love me. I think i was alway insecure about not being loved, atleast thats what a therapist would later tell me. lol. We'd come home the next days and see holes in the walls. I remember a few times my grammy coming to get us and waking up us to go stay with her because the door would be wide open and people would be passed out on the floor.

I tend to remember the bad things in order. I dont think things were all bad. I will tell you a few things that were not so bad during the Ocala era.

I remember we had no phone often, and we had one Tv. we were pretty poor. anyway it was a dial tv. 2 dials. one on top with channels 2,4,7, and one on bottom, 20, 50, 62. When we were sick was the only time we were allowed to have Tvs in our room. my sisters naturally had a weaker immune system as i did so it happend more often for them. My mom didnt want us to leave our rooms when we were sick so we'd get our rest so would make us as comfortable as we could be. She'd bring us Jello- water which was my favorite. ( jello water was jello before it turned solid and was still hot to soothe our throats and still taste good),
I was naturally a bad liar but i always wanted to be an actor. since i was so close with my mother, I would watch soap operas with her. Channel 7 soaps. General hospital was my favorite. I would call home sick on mondays or fridays from school early so i wouldnt miss what was going on and could watch them with my mom, and then try and get the TV in my room. My mother had a soft spot for me. I was the middle child and the only boy so she'd always come get me, but I usually didnt even make it to the Tv in my room part. Id either get too wrapped up in the soaps and what were going on (i remember it like it was yesterday. Sonny and Brenda. Lucky and elizabeth) Id get hyper. or when my mom wasnt looking
Id start having such a good time with my barbies (yes my barbies) that she knew i wasnt sick. darn it for my poor lying and acting abilities.

As I said before i played with my barbies. They werent really my barbies. they were my sister Amanda's barbies but I played with them more than she did so they became mine. My sister was always learning. she always wanted to read and she'd do her school work even without home work for fun, I played with her barbies.
I remember my mom defending me to her husband saying i wasnt gay, because i was playing with them naked. I just wanted to see the female body (she was wrong, he was right). I was so content with playing with my barbies. i loved them. My step dad I dont think believed her either because he would put pictures of girls in swim suits on my wall.
I was fine because women are pretty. Id name the women on the wall and pretend my barbies were them. Id also make clothes for them of socks id cut up, or toilet paper and bobby pins.

I also remember always getting things on Lay away or from rent a center. My step dad was a hill billy from tennessee. Thats not a derogatory term because i learned it from him calling himself that. Anyways for my birthday in the 2nd grade my step dad's brother got me a BB gun. I wasnt allowed to use it because i was too little. the only time it was taken out of the package was when the rent a center guys would come to get our stuff.
I remember my step dad poked a hole through the screen window and would make us all hide and be quiet. It was like a game for me. they would knock on the doors and then leave a slip and walk away. as they're walking away he would shoot kitty litter out of the BB gun at the rent a center guys. I remember theyd look back and not see anything. keep walking and get shot again. This happend every few weeks for the next year or so. It was the little things in life that brought joy at that age.

Also this neighborhood i remember being the only places i had mainly guy friends. Id been forced into sports my whole life. baseball was the only one i took to. Karate cost too much money. soccer i spent picking dandelions. now baseball I was no good at but i liked it and i tried.
I would play ball with the guys in the neighborhood and since my mom mostly worked nights she'd be at home down the street making kool-aid or hanging clothes in the sun dresses she often wore listening to mixed tapes of salt-n-peppa (i knew every word to shoop by the time i was 5).
Anyway I remember one day inparticular I had actually hit the ball. and i was in line because my team had no outs. so I'd ran the bases and i was back in line for my turn to bat. #1 rule in baseball. DONT THROW THE BAT. well one of my neighbors, Raymond who was a couple years older than the rest and stood like a giant to us,
hit the ball. I was cheering him on, and thats the last thing i remember. next thing I was in someones car laying on my mom's lap. my mom says that she was so panicked because I was knocked out, but that when i came to on the way to the doctors that i was still smiling, until i noticed the blood dripping down my face. I dont like blood.
turned out Raymond hit the ball, and instead of running and setting the bat down... He threw it backward and hit me in the nose. I'm told if it had been a half inch deeper it'd had broken my nose.

I also remember that in that house even though i didnt spend much time with my dad, my sister and I would go over his house every other weekend. My parents didnt get along. At all. whatever was at his house, was his. whatever was at hers, was hers. I would try and sneak stuff... but since i had a guilty concious i would yell out the window and tell on myself. I remember one easter
we got one present in our easter baskets along with candy. My dad had picked us up that day. I had really liked that toy i got. I dont even remember what toy. but i remember begging my mom to let me take it with me. The answer stood no. well i did it anyway. well since i felt bad, before we even got out of the drive way i rolled down the window and said "mom so you know i took (said toy) with me"
she said "just so you know you're grounded when you get home".

These fun, happy, weird but home feeling memories didnt last too long. The end of second grade my uncle steven got married (my step dad's brother). He had a huge house on 15 mile in clinton twp we would always go to. When they left for their wedding my mom and dad house sat for them. My mom and step dad had parties that weekend, and argued the whole time. I remember though that Sunday was the worst. It got physical. My mom's best friend and my step dad were doing something, or so my mom thought. she went into a drunken rage and they started fighting. we were escorted upstairs. looking back on it
I dont know why anyone didnt stop they fights they just stopped us from seeing. Anyways i remember my older sister Amanda keeping my little sister Shannon in the room, I wasnt to be controled. I sat at the top of the stairs yelling. "mom and dad are getting a divorce. why cant they just love each other." "dad dont leave us". Its really sad to remember and think about. My aunt Kristy (my step dad's sister) sat at the top of the stairs trying to calm me down,
but for some reason, at such a young age i caught onto things, and i knew something wasnt right. i knew it would never be right again. I looked up to my step dad, Even though i went to my real dad's every other weekend, I was told such horrible things about him, and he wasnt the most welcoming. Russ was my father figure and the dad I knew. I looked up to him, for some reason i knew things wouldnt be the same again.
The next day My step dad came over with my mom's best friend. I remember My mom apologizing to her best friend with my step dad in the passenger seat. I always wondered what she was talking about. I didnt really pay attention much to it after that. We stayed at The house on Ocala for a couple months, and then maybe right after school started we moved back to Grammy and papas house yet again.
I dont remember staying there too long. My mom started dating someone from the factory she worked at, Paul. We went there for thanksgiving. They were living in a towne house in the south part of warren. 8 and a half mile. not the best neighborhood at all. It was an awkward meeting, and thanksgiving with non of our family, but there was Paul, his roomate John, and there roomate Chuck and his girlfriend Shelly I believe. We left that night again and we never saw Paul again. a couple weeks later My mom said we were moving, We moved from Grammy and papas and we landed at the same set of town houses. I expected to see paul, Paul wasnt there. It was John that came out and greeted us. Was weird. even as a kid in the begining of third grade i still thought this was weird.
John wasnt very welcoming and had a creepy sense to him. He had a feathered haircut from the 80s, tight jeans and always tucked in short sleeved plain colored shirt, witch a comb in his back jeans pocket. He reminded me of the older guy from dazed and confused, just with a convict, serial killer kind of sense. My sisters and I all shared a room and bed in the town house. we didnt have a dresser, but we had our organized piles of folded clothes along the wall. it was a very run down situation. one of the things that I remember from living there in the first couple days besides sharing a bed with my two sisters, is snooping. I was a very curious kid, and well we were moved in with a creepy man and his roomate and his roomates girlfriend...that we only met once. what a better way to get to know people.
Well anyways we were going through the closet. My sisters and I, and we came across these shoe boxes. there these ID's and Licenses from different states, and different names but they all had this John guys picture on it. weird. I thought it was really weird. My sister was like maybe its his brother, or something. I said maybe he's a mass murderer and has to get different personalities. again I was in 3rd grade so I mustve been watching mature tv to think of things like that.
Christmas was another holiday spent without family. I remember it being weird not being with my grammy and papa. we didnt have a big family but we were always with them for holidays.
Things didnt get more comfortable. It was actually the start of a whole line of nightmares for us. During christmas break my sisters and I stayed at the house by ourselves with no parent. I remember I drank the last of the kool-aid and the man who was Johns roomate got real mad and started yelling at me. I was a very sassy kid. I respected my elders, but i was always taught to get respect you have to give respect, and these creepy men didnt deserve my respect. I got alittle sassy back, but again i was in the 3rd grade. When I was talking back to this Man Chuck he ripped the glass out of kool-aid out of my hand and through the contexts of the glass at me. I dont think thats a propper response or reaction for an adult toward a child. I dont think thats a proper reaction for an adult that doesnt know the child.
And I dont think thats a proper reaction over fucking kool aid. I'll never forget that. We never told my mom that. at that age my mother was very honest with us, and I knew about the hard times she was having and didnt want to add to it. As a child i was already taking responsibility for my mother.
As time went on things didnt get better. And I guess that saying "you are the company you keep" applies with him. abuse started with John from there. started just verbal. threats. a had grip of the arm. pushing. telling me to man up. I remember he had broke me down so much one spring day after we'd switched schools to near that ratchet towne house things got really bad. our room was on the second story. I think i was 10 at the time. I through out all the blankets and pillows out the window and jumped. I ran and ran to one of the girls' houses from the new school. Her house was run down, and didnt have any water, so the toilet didnt even flush, but it was more comfortable to get away from those disgusting, vile men. I was gone like 12 hours. once my friends mom got home and it was time for them to do dinner and get ready I had to go, but I wasnt going home. I walked
around the neighborhood of warren for hours and sat at the church steps. My mom was driving our beat down car around the neighborhood yelling my name. I heard her and decided to go out to the car reluctantly to go to her car. I didnt tell my mom much. I remember just not wanting to hurt her, but i just kept saying I dont like John. She didnt care. I got in the car and that was the end of that day.

We moved to a house on Braun street which was centerline schools. so 3 schools in 4 school years. and it was 1 school for the first 2 1/2 years of school. before we were even moved all the way in the house my sisters and I quickly made friends with kids in the neighbor hood. there were kids of all ages. There was a guy about my sister Amanda's age we hung out with. looking back he was the first guy i was attracted to. i followed him around. I kept trying to push my sister to be his girlfriend but she wasnt interested in boys. I guess thats when my attraction for older men started because I was in the 4th grade and he was old enough to have a drivers license. lol.
One particular day we were all hanging out around the neighborhood and we were by our house. The rule was my sister wasnt allowed to have boys in the house, even though she clearly wasnt interested in boys yet. My sister and I let Chad in to use the bathroom. We werent all packed yet and Chad tripped over something and put his foot through the wall. My sister and I were immediately scared. didnt know what the best thing to do. Well my soultion was to hang a picture over the hole and hoped nobody would notice. Just my luck John came home for lunch that day with his buddy and noticed a picture hanging up. He looked under the picture and there was a hole there. I immediately without a thought blamed myself. Im a bad liar but I tried. I said I was carrying a radio and i fell and the radio went through it (my feet werent as big as the hole). Well he got so mad he bent over and started yelling at me. picked me up off the ground and litterally threw me in my room.
I hit my dresser and bounced off and my head put a hole in the wall. Now he had two holes in the house. That by the age of 11 was the first time id been put through a wall. He told me to get up and act like a man. I just laid there and played dead in hopes he'd stop. My sister then started yelling at him telling him to leave her brother alone. I later found out he did things to her at that moment that I dont think is my right to share and whispered " be careful or ill show you how a real woman gets treated". after whatever he had done was done he left back with his buddy.
Loooking back at it how do you see your friend talking to children and doing things to children like that and not say anything or do anything. As an adult I blame his friend as much, now thinking about it.
This behavior just got worse. anything that went wrong John would take any reason to come after myself or my sister. I would get things like man up, stop being a sissy. ya know things of that nature. Im hitting you to make you tougher more like a man. My sister who hadnt even had her first kiss yet and was 14 years old got called a slut and a whore and all these nasty names. Not that it was ok to say any of it to kids but my sister was far from those things. I would get so angry. These episodes would happen when he was drinking so I thought. Later I would find out there was more involved. He was addicted to crack as well. We were living with a crack head. litterally.
The episodes just became more and more frequent. I saw porn before the summer of 4th grade not because i was snooping but because John would get all twisted and leave adult videos on in the front room along with alcohol bottles, and what id find out later in life as a crack pipe. as more and more of the things happend My older sister Amanda felt more and more violated and disrespected, she went to my Aunt TT and Uncle Tim and asked to move there. I didnt know at the time why she'd left. All i knew was that I felt abandoned. I hated her. I didnt want to even speak to her because I felt she left My little sister and I to just fend for ourselves. Even though she wasnt my mom and my mom
should've been protecting me, We were a team and she abandoned me. I also felt like she just forgot about us when her 15th birthday came up and my aunt had a birthday party for her and we werent invited. I still here different stories but I have to remember now that It wasnt easy for her to leave and to have gone through the things that she went through with John. I was also 11 and didnt know what or why Amanda left and for the next couple years i had alot of hostility and anomosity toward her.
Going forward things got worse for me. and later on for my little sister shannon. My mom and John fought worse. which then made John take it out on me worse. The cops were called atleast once a month. my mother had trained us to run to the gas station if things get bad instead of calling my grammy and papa to get us away. I thought then that my mother didnt want her parents to be disappointed in her. Now I think that was a very selfish move. I have alot of annomosity now for that situation. Also the fights got more violent with threats that if my mom didnt do things for him that he would
kill us and her family. We went through many times where we were held hostage for his drugs. remembering that as a kid is very clear for me. I remember clearly the fights, the violent words and actions upon my mother and I. It was always really weird. he was super nice to my little sister shannon but i believed at the time that it was because she was young.
One day I'd had enough. enough threats. enough drugs. enough violence. He was attacking my mom and had her cornered against the cabinet, face to face yelling at her. saying nasty things. I had just had enough. at 11 years old I jumped on top of this Man who was in his 30s and started hitting his head. I hit and held on until he litterally swung me off of him. I then ran. I ran and ran down the street hoping he wouldnt get me. He ran after me. I jumped a fence and went into a neighbors house that i frequently hung out at. She was in the shower but i went in and locked all of the doors.
I was winded at this point. Evelyn was the woman's name. She was in the shower and came out probably because she heard someone in her house. I told her what was happening. everyone in the neighborhood knew what was happening so she just held me. John calmly knocked on the door asking for me. Evelyn said she wasnt handing me over. Thank god my mom got smart. Thank god this time she decided to put herself and kids first. Thank god my mother was smart enough to get in the car and circle the neighborhood until John left the neighbors house, Im assuming to go back in on my mom...but that gave me time to get in the car and we left. We went yet again back to my Grammy's house. this time we made ourselves comfortable.
We never saw him again on our own will. or atleast us kids didnt. My mom snuck around seeing him.
We stayed at my grammy and papas house this time for a year. we got into at that time good schools or better schools. I made real friends. We had dinner at the same time every night. woke up on time.
For a moment in time we had a normal life. granted We were all sharing a room again. I had a bed made on a treadmill. It was the best treadmill you could ever sleep on. See my Grammys house was always safe for me. Ive always been extra close with my grand parents.
My grandma's house is my safe place. The only address that didnt change. the only phone number ive ever memorized that i never wanted to forget. and the only people that have never let me down. I dont think in many situations up til that point and further down the road that I would've made it with out her.

After a year of Living and having a home with my grand parents we made a home in an apartment right down the street from school and Grammy. I went there frequently to visit Grammy and papa, Although Grammy and papa were the real parents ive ever had, it was nice to have a home with Mom and Shannon. A real home. A home that wasnt based on a man or wanting a man, or trying to get away from her parents but a home just my mom and sibling. the more we had our own place and John was out of
the picture my sister Amanda started coming around. It was hard for me at first to let her back in. Amanda was the only thing I had. We had the same dad. we did everything together and then when she left me in that awful situation It wasnt ok with me. After a while of knowing I wouldnt be let down again I stopped being an angry preteen. I learned to Let Amanda in. It was awesome to have our family back. September Almost 4 years exactly to the date she moved out into my aunts house.
For a while. For that moment we were a family. It wasnt about men, or drugs, or alcohol. it was us. We had our mom's full attention. Not to mention we were right down the street from my grand parents house. I felt safe. I hadnt felt that safe in years. maybe even ever at my mom's house. It was nice for the time.

I turned 13 in that apartment... and by that point I had figured out that I liked men. and by liked, I mean i was a flaming homosexual. At the time my best friend from my grandmas neighborhood which was my neighborhood now too was a couple years older than I was. I told her I was gay, and She was my biggest advocate. I had also discovered the land of the world wide web at my dad's house. I had been not telling people my real name or age because thats what they told you back then. Back then during the dial up AOL days. I had been talking to a guy and I told him I was 16. He was also 16 as well.
I went to my best friends house and she was showing me her friend at school. She arranged a meeting, and turns out when we met it was the same guy, same guy i'd been talking to at my dad's house. I didnt want to tell him I lied because I wanted to get to know him. I waited til our first date. We went to McDonalds and got a chocolate banana shake. I remember because Banana was my favorite, it was before i knew i was lactose intolerate and He spilled the shake. SO in that period I came out to many people. many peoples responses were "i know".
SO while I told him. he was alittle upset but i am very convincing. We snuck behind everyones backs and saw each other. I was just going into 7th grade and he was in 10th grade. I got myself a 9th grade girlfriend as well. Tammy (in my defense she was captain the basketball team, we never even kissed, and i thought she was a lesbian, turns out now she has a husband and kids)
How my mom found out although was because my first boyfriend (internet guy) was very flayboyant. he sounded like a princess. infact he called himself princess ___. My mom answered the phone one night and came down stairs to the neighbors house where i was and asked. "Jake is he gay" i said "yeaaaa?" she said " why are you hanging out with gay people". I said " cause they're funny" She said "are you?"
In thatt moment I just sat there and stared at her. she said "oh my god. are you fucking serious. I didnt raise you like this".
She was the only one that was shocked or surprised when I told her. I stayed the next 3 days down at the neighbors apartment. My mother was really disappointed. I think she was more afraid for me, atleast thats what she later explains and ill get to that.
My dad however. He found out because during one of my weekend visits I brought my journal. I brought my journal with me everywhere. One weekend I left my journal at my dad's house and we had gotten into an arguement. It was about me staying the night at a girls house and he said "you're going to get her pregant
and started saying things like that to me". I said "I wont get any girls pregnant because im gay"
After that I didnt go back over there. I got a letter on my 14th birthday that was mailed to my granma's house and my grandma brought it my birthday party. It said something like he has nothing bad to say about me being gay but he can tell I didnt want to be at his house so he
wont make me come over anymore. he didnt want to be a burden to me anymore so get a hold of him when i was ready pretty much. I think he was right at the time. I did have a lot of hostility toward my father. alot of you might remember from the last time I was in the house. But that also stemmed from the things I was told.
I was told alot at an early age. Like my dad cheated on my mom. IF that happend. IF that is true, I never shouldve known that. Same with my step dad Russ. He cheated on my mom with her best friend. I knew about that the whole time. from the start. I should never have known that. There were alot of things I shouldnt have known growing up. But while growing up I didnt know any different.
Which gets into a different topic. I was more friends with my mother as a teenager. as a kid. My mother was my best friend until a certain time.
Can i also put a side note in here. also the year i came out was the same year that "Queer as Folk" came out. So before coming out my mother and i would watch Soap operas all the time. One of the rare times we had cable and Tv's in our room. When we moved up in the times, I had showtime in my room for a couple months. my mom walked in and asked what i was watching during an episode of "Queer as Folk". I told her it was just a new showtime soap opera.
Not only was there man on man action, but also I was barely 14. how could you think it was an OK soap opera for me to watch. whatever. she believed it. and then after that I would go to the neighbors apartment to watch it. I related so much to that show. especially with Justin because I was the justin. The little blonde boy inserting myself into the gay scene.

A few months into the apartment my mom met and started dating Don. Kinda upset me. right after I was coming out she started showing attention to another man. and it bothered me. and i automatically jumped to the conclusion that she didnt want to be close to me because I was gay. Thats when our relationship started becoming rocky. although I still thought the world of her, thats when I realized in my mothers eyes, we (us kids) were only important as long as there wasnt a man around.

From there on I was a normal teenager. Or atleast what I thought was a normal teenager. My friends were older. So i went to school. I came home or their house and did whatever. hung out. talked to boys. I had a very tight secure group of girlfriends growing up that i thought would be my friends, my family forever. We would smoke cigarettes, and drink on the weekend. It was boys, parties and booze. thats what I did on the weekends with my girlfriends.
I was still so close with my childhood friend that i met while at my grand parents house, and I became a part of their famiily. Her parents were my parent. I talked to them every day. I had my own bed there, and sometimes my own room. When I was 16 my mom got tired of trying to fight with me and she allowed me to move out. I moved into my friend Niki's house. Her mom allowed me to move into her house. (oh i forgot to mention I lost my bottom virginity to my boss at the time) I worked at the roseville theatre, dropped out and did high school online, and did cosmetology school 8 hours a day, 5 days a week.
So I lived with my friend and her mother. I was very secrure there. I later found out that my friend's mother was an escort. Yes a prostitute. We would drop her off at different motels for her to meet her tricks.

after living on my own for a few years and getting my dad's child and my job I met jeremy my fist love.
We were on and off for years. 16-20. we tried to make it work but it didnt. he didnt want the same things i suppose. He slept with everyone i knew. he slept with my best friend. the guy I called my best friend since I was 14. He was sleeping with the whole time.
Right after Jeremy. I started fucking. not dating. fucking and doing cocaine with Dakota (which is what he called himself here at cbl). we fucked around for about 2-3 months. he said he moved to yellow stone park, great. i was rid of him and Jeremy. Jeremy fucked me over for 4 years. I was done being fucked over. Then there was "Dakota". He claimed he liked/loved me.he also was a lie. he had nothing positive to bring to my life but maybe a positive on an std test, which thank god always came back negative.
Dakota was sleeping with everyone and come to find out he was a drug runner.

So I was done with guys. done With jeremy. Done with Dakota. My friend Nic went to CBL I applied. I figured Nic was so tame,I got this too. I applied for CBL.
I went to orlando and applied. I was so shy,until i heard someone talking shit over chat. someone's name Dakota. I was drunk and got pissed. GREAT!. I told Zac the founder... either you can put me in orland and ill have a great time.
You can put me in Tampa and ill fight or you can not accept me at all. thats how that'll play out. Well i got a call back for Tampa. I went and lived with "Dakota". That was here in CBL and the rest was history.

So during CBL i saved up my money. I had so much money Id never seen before. I went to NYC, a cruise, NYC, and back to FLorida. I did alot. I was living on top of the world. I got a job. and still paid 6 months ahead of an apartment.
I got out of CBL on May 7,2009. In october 2009 I went in for a normal STD test. Anyone who knew me in CBL knew i was a prude. I never had sex in the house. anyways. I took the test in 2009 one week before halloween. just and annual. nothing could be wrong.
Well One week after Halloween i got the call. come in to the office. I obviously went in. well guess what. I was HIV postive. how the fuck could this happen. I went in and they ask questions like who? when? why? what? I had no answers. I couldnt even answer them. I didnt even know what to say.
Its a fucked up situation, I couldnt believe i had it. i barely slept with anyone. litterally.

After that I did some drugs. by some i mean all. cocaine, meth, heroine, crack. acid. everthing. I was so depressed. there wasnt a night i wasnt depressed. like litterally depressed to the point I was black out drunk every night i didnt remember anything. I did the doctor thing. took all the pills. but after that nobody
knew about anything. I would just get drunk and not tell anyone. My little secret. never did i tell anyone.

Dec 12. 2012, the best and worst day to come to me. I was asleep. i had a cold and I never got sick. HIV or not I never got sick. well that day I wasnt feeling good so i took NyQuil, but my best friends call me to pick them up. Im totallly a sheep. so when i went to get them they beg
me to come in for a beer. At the setimental Lady. One of my favorite places because they still let you smoke in there. Anyways i got there at like 11:30. I drank 3 beers and 2 shots from 11:30 til 2 am. plus the NyQuil I drank. back then i was 108 lbs. I saw the flashing lights and I was getting pulled over.
inside I was saying "FUCK" but in my head i was saying "THANK GOD". I needed a change. I needed a savior. The law was it for me.
After I got caught and sentenced to 2 years I did everything by the book, meetings, reportings and testings. I also got reported to counseling. I did it reluctantly. after therapy I relized i need it. I got off probation a year early because i used the system for what it was supposed to be. The system is not meant to destroy you,
The system is meant to help you. After I got off probation I continued with therapy. After reading my early years you can understand why. I kept up with my therapy and my doctors appointments and stayed medically and mentally healthy.

This last year after long and hard planning to come to florida i realized Im never going to do it with everyone at home always needing something,
I reached out to Zac. He told me to apply to CBL again.

Here I am at CBL again. I personally love it this time. this time its not suprise someone here from michigan. This time its not surprise Zac is only here when someone is in trouble. I honestly love hanging out wiht Zac this time (even though hee thinks i always look nervous, most people think i look like a bitch so thats a step up).
I love everyone i room with this time. its such a positive atmosphere. so here i am. a whole new person. HIV, Therpay, and Positive. cant wait to get to know everyone. Jake is here. pictures to come.