Jake' Early years
I dont remember much about my earliest years
but I will tell you what im told, and the things i know to be truth.
I was born May 14, 1988 to My mom Bobbi (roberta), and
Ken (Kenneth). I had/have an older sister Amanda 3 years and 9 months
older. I was a big baby... i think 8 lbs or more. very chunky. I just
got chunkier from pictures ive seen. apparently my nick name was Rhino
because i was a big baby. Our happy family didnt stay together for
long. Just weeks after being born my dad left and divorced my mom.
From what i understand When my dad left we were living across the
street from my Grandma and my Granpa's house, which through out my
life would be the most stable and safe place id ever have to call
After we moved out of that house for unknown reasons we
moved into Centerline Michigan and my mother was dating a fella named
Dan. I dont remember him but ive heard awful stories. stories of him
beating her and breaking her nose while I was him her arms. stories of
his alcoholism. After that My grandparents helped my mom and us into a
townhouse co-op, rent to own in fraser Michigan. It was supposed to be
a start to
a home for the rest of our lives. somewhere my mom to
plant her feet or whatever that saying is. That didnt last. There was
this family down the street with this older woman Rose. Her teenage
son took a liking to me and would play basket ball or try. i was about
2. we didnt really play basket ball more or less him bouncing it to
me. MY mom started going out to the bar and partying with his mother
Rose and she would let Russ babysit us,
more or less party at our
house with his friends while she went out. My sister who was about 5
ish at the time thought Russ was so dreamy. We both looked up to him.
and with Russ at our house partying all the time and my mom coming
back from the bar to him babysitting us, and seeing how good he was
with us during the day, she saw someone that was good to her kids.
what she didnt see was that he was still a kid too. My mother grew
feelings for this barely legal Russ and they started "dating".
the summer of 1992 sometime my mother and russ eloped at the court
house and had a "reception" or party in the park. He wasnt legal to
drink, and She was ready to pop pregnant at the time so it was the
best option for them.
We Lived in the town house for a few months
longer from my understanding. While my mom was working however Russ'
parties didnt stop and neither did the police calls. So after so many
police calls, and then my mother brought home kittnes behind the home
owners association and not paying the dues. she got caught with the
kittens and we were evicted. That was just one of the many times we
stayed with my grandparents inbetween homes.
After that stint We
moved into Brenton Woods, a neighbor hood in Madison Heights michigan.
It was one of the nicest houses, with the biggest potential that ill
have lived in, in my childhood.
I remember my mother working alot,
I always thought she was such a good mom because thats what she had to
do for us kids. and Russ (who i called dad because thats the only
"father figure id known, even though we went to my real fathers house
on the weekends), would stay home with us. He wasnt really "staying
home with us", he just was choosing not to work. He'd always buy these
shitty cars and work on them drinking with his buddies in the garage
not really paying atteniton to us. My older sister would watch Myself
and my baby sister at the time shannon. I remember watching saved by
the bell alot. and something fun and juvenile, when we wanted our dads
attention we would throw
stuffed animals out the window and him or
one of his friends, usually the women or his sister (aunt kristy)
would bring them inside 2 flights of stairs. and then we'd do it all
over again. ahh the joys before technology. we didnt have a phone alot
or even cable tv. I did remember Russ waking up with me before school
and watching Power rangers. this was our thing. we'd watch the power
rangers and gargoyles together. I looked up to Russ. I didnt know
anything about the things that were going on but I wanted to be just
My mother worked midnights at the time. and alot of
mornings while watching our shows together his friends and siblings
would be asleep on the living room floor in a drunken stuper. I just
thought it was a slumber party and thought it was so cool.
remember details about Brenton woods but my mother working, spending
time with my sister, and watching tv with russ. I do recall my step
dad russ always wanting a dog. He'd bring dogs home and my mother
hated dogs. Theyd tear things up and go to the bathroom all over the
house and after a while they'd some how "run away" or "get out". later
to find out my mom would sell them, or give them away behind her
husbands back, but he'd always come home with a new dog.
back its kind of funny. he was relentless but my mother never backed
down and the dogs were always gone.
We then after maybe a year if
that in Brenton woods, for some reason had to leave, So we went back
to my safe place. my grandparents home. I always had more friends
there than i did at any house we lived in because my grandma lived in
an area (at the time) where people raised their kids. Families lived
there that, lived there when my mom was growing up, and now they're
raising their kids there, who i were friends with.
everytime I went to my Grammy and Papas. we always had normal dinner
that wasnt fast food or at 10 O'clock at night. there were no cuss
words or slamming doors, or drunken teenagers or early 20s. This is
why my grandparents house was my safe place. My Aunt was home from
college this time, and my mom and aunt didnt get along. My aunt did
everthing by the book. college, church, dating, and at the time on her
way to marriage. My aunt treated her parents with respect. My mom and
aunt were totally different people. they lived there lives different.
It is fun to look back on because they grew up the same way but ended
up totally different, but we'll have time to touch on that more as
time goes on. My mom and my aunt would fight alot or argue. from my
undestanding my mom didnt like rules and didnt respect my
grandparents. even to today my grandma has a soft spot for my mother
and my aunt didnt like my grammy being taken advantage of. My mom and
aunt would fight pretty bad, and still remember vaguely remember my
aunt not using any cuss words. I commend her. After all the fighting
my mother quickly got out of my grandparents house. Im assuming with
my grandparents help again.
The next house we lived at would be the
house we lived at the longest for my childhood years, Ocala in Warren
Michigan. This is where i remember things to start going bad... but
this is also where i start kindergarten after being held back in
brenton woods. Kennedy ELementary school was my first school. I dont
remember much about kindergarten but I do remember for my birthday
snack i brought cupcakes in ice cream cones.
Ocala house however is
where i start remembering things for myself and not just being told
how things had happend. I remember i was a kid that was very
flamboyant and always seeking the attention of not only others but
everyone. I wanted to be noticed by all. as time went on my sister
made friends in school and i was friends with her friends younger
siblings. there were like 3 other families that had kids my sister
Amanda's age and younger kids my age. It always seemed their families
were more put together than ours. even though looking back they had
their issues too, they just werent as up front.
My step dad
continues his partying at the house. his friends were always over. I
remember his friends always teasing me and hearing the slurs "sissy",
"faggot" and "pansy" called out as me while my mother was working and
there were parties going on at the house. I didnt quite know what they
meant but i knew they werent terms of enderement. My mother began to
grow resentful of working all the time because her husband wouldnt get
a job. And we never had any money because my mom's money went to
support my step dad and his friends partying. I remember having to go
to the neighbors or a pay phone with my sister far too often because
my parents were fighting and call one of our friends to get us.
Their parents would always call it a sleep over, I was always beyond
my years. I would always ask my mom if her and dad were getting a
divorce and we were being packed up. She'd always say no, and kiss me
and say they both love me. I think i was alway insecure about not
being loved, atleast thats what a therapist would later tell me. lol.
We'd come home the next days and see holes in the walls. I remember a
few times my grammy coming to get us and waking up us to go stay with
her because the door would be wide open and people would be passed out
on the floor.
I tend to remember the bad things in order. I
dont think things were all bad. I will tell you a few things that were
not so bad during the Ocala era.
I remember we had no phone
often, and we had one Tv. we were pretty poor. anyway it was a dial
tv. 2 dials. one on top with channels 2,4,7, and one on bottom, 20,
50, 62. When we were sick was the only time we were allowed to have
Tvs in our room. my sisters naturally had a weaker immune system as i
did so it happend more often for them. My mom didnt want us to leave
our rooms when we were sick so we'd get our rest so would make us as
comfortable as we could be. She'd bring us Jello- water which was my
favorite. ( jello water was jello before it turned solid and was still
hot to soothe our throats and still taste good),
I was naturally a
bad liar but i always wanted to be an actor. since i was so close with
my mother, I would watch soap operas with her. Channel 7 soaps.
General hospital was my favorite. I would call home sick on mondays or
fridays from school early so i wouldnt miss what was going on and
could watch them with my mom, and then try and get the TV in my room.
My mother had a soft spot for me. I was the middle child and the only
boy so she'd always come get me, but I usually didnt even make it to
the Tv in my room part. Id either get too wrapped up in the soaps and
what were going on (i remember it like it was yesterday. Sonny and
Brenda. Lucky and elizabeth) Id get hyper. or when my mom wasnt
Id start having such a good time with my barbies (yes my
barbies) that she knew i wasnt sick. darn it for my poor lying and
As I said before i played with my barbies.
They werent really my barbies. they were my sister Amanda's barbies
but I played with them more than she did so they became mine. My
sister was always learning. she always wanted to read and she'd do her
school work even without home work for fun, I played with her barbies.
I remember my mom defending me to her husband saying i wasnt gay,
because i was playing with them naked. I just wanted to see the female
body (she was wrong, he was right). I was so content with playing with
my barbies. i loved them. My step dad I dont think believed her either
because he would put pictures of girls in swim suits on my wall.
was fine because women are pretty. Id name the women on the wall and
pretend my barbies were them. Id also make clothes for them of socks
id cut up, or toilet paper and bobby pins.
I also remember
always getting things on Lay away or from rent a center. My step dad
was a hill billy from tennessee. Thats not a derogatory term because i
learned it from him calling himself that. Anyways for my birthday in
the 2nd grade my step dad's brother got me a BB gun. I wasnt allowed
to use it because i was too little. the only time it was taken out of
the package was when the rent a center guys would come to get our
I remember my step dad poked a hole through the screen
window and would make us all hide and be quiet. It was like a game for
me. they would knock on the doors and then leave a slip and walk away.
as they're walking away he would shoot kitty litter out of the BB gun
at the rent a center guys. I remember theyd look back and not see
anything. keep walking and get shot again. This happend every few
weeks for the next year or so. It was the little things in life that
brought joy at that age.
Also this neighborhood i remember
being the only places i had mainly guy friends. Id been forced into
sports my whole life. baseball was the only one i took to. Karate cost
too much money. soccer i spent picking dandelions. now baseball I was
no good at but i liked it and i tried.
I would play ball with the
guys in the neighborhood and since my mom mostly worked nights she'd
be at home down the street making kool-aid or hanging clothes in the
sun dresses she often wore listening to mixed tapes of salt-n-peppa (i
knew every word to shoop by the time i was 5).
Anyway I remember
one day inparticular I had actually hit the ball. and i was in line
because my team had no outs. so I'd ran the bases and i was back in
line for my turn to bat. #1 rule in baseball. DONT THROW THE BAT. well
one of my neighbors, Raymond who was a couple years older than the
rest and stood like a giant to us,
hit the ball. I was cheering him
on, and thats the last thing i remember. next thing I was in someones
car laying on my mom's lap. my mom says that she was so panicked
because I was knocked out, but that when i came to on the way to the
doctors that i was still smiling, until i noticed the blood dripping
down my face. I dont like blood.
turned out Raymond hit the ball,
and instead of running and setting the bat down... He threw it
backward and hit me in the nose. I'm told if it had been a half inch
deeper it'd had broken my nose.
I also remember that in that
house even though i didnt spend much time with my dad, my sister and I
would go over his house every other weekend. My parents didnt get
along. At all. whatever was at his house, was his. whatever was at
hers, was hers. I would try and sneak stuff... but since i had a
guilty concious i would yell out the window and tell on myself. I
remember one easter
we got one present in our easter baskets along
with candy. My dad had picked us up that day. I had really liked that
toy i got. I dont even remember what toy. but i remember begging my
mom to let me take it with me. The answer stood no. well i did it
anyway. well since i felt bad, before we even got out of the drive way
i rolled down the window and said "mom so you know i took (said toy)
she said "just so you know you're grounded when you get
These fun, happy, weird but home feeling memories didnt
last too long. The end of second grade my uncle steven got married (my
step dad's brother). He had a huge house on 15 mile in clinton twp we
would always go to. When they left for their wedding my mom and dad
house sat for them. My mom and step dad had parties that weekend, and
argued the whole time. I remember though that Sunday was the worst. It
got physical. My mom's best friend and my step dad were doing
something, or so my mom thought. she went into a drunken rage and they
started fighting. we were escorted upstairs. looking back on it
dont know why anyone didnt stop they fights they just stopped us from
seeing. Anyways i remember my older sister Amanda keeping my little
sister Shannon in the room, I wasnt to be controled. I sat at the top
of the stairs yelling. "mom and dad are getting a divorce. why cant
they just love each other." "dad dont leave us". Its really sad to
remember and think about. My aunt Kristy (my step dad's sister) sat at
the top of the stairs trying to calm me down,
but for some reason,
at such a young age i caught onto things, and i knew something wasnt
right. i knew it would never be right again. I looked up to my step
dad, Even though i went to my real dad's every other weekend, I was
told such horrible things about him, and he wasnt the most welcoming.
Russ was my father figure and the dad I knew. I looked up to him, for
some reason i knew things wouldnt be the same again.
The next day
My step dad came over with my mom's best friend. I remember My mom
apologizing to her best friend with my step dad in the passenger seat.
I always wondered what she was talking about. I didnt really pay
attention much to it after that. We stayed at The house on Ocala for a
couple months, and then maybe right after school started we moved back
to Grammy and papas house yet again.
I dont remember staying there
too long. My mom started dating someone from the factory she worked
at, Paul. We went there for thanksgiving. They were living in a towne
house in the south part of warren. 8 and a half mile. not the best
neighborhood at all. It was an awkward meeting, and thanksgiving with
non of our family, but there was Paul, his roomate John, and there
roomate Chuck and his girlfriend Shelly I believe. We left that night
again and we never saw Paul again. a couple weeks later My mom said we
were moving, We moved from Grammy and papas and we landed at the same
set of town houses. I expected to see paul, Paul wasnt there. It was
John that came out and greeted us. Was weird. even as a kid in the
begining of third grade i still thought this was weird.
very welcoming and had a creepy sense to him. He had a feathered
haircut from the 80s, tight jeans and always tucked in short sleeved
plain colored shirt, witch a comb in his back jeans pocket. He
reminded me of the older guy from dazed and confused, just with a
convict, serial killer kind of sense. My sisters and I all shared a
room and bed in the town house. we didnt have a dresser, but we had
our organized piles of folded clothes along the wall. it was a very
run down situation. one of the things that I remember from living
there in the first couple days besides sharing a bed with my two
sisters, is snooping. I was a very curious kid, and well we were moved
in with a creepy man and his roomate and his roomates
girlfriend...that we only met once. what a better way to get to know
Well anyways we were going through the closet. My sisters
and I, and we came across these shoe boxes. there these ID's and
Licenses from different states, and different names but they all had
this John guys picture on it. weird. I thought it was really weird. My
sister was like maybe its his brother, or something. I said maybe he's
a mass murderer and has to get different personalities. again I was in
3rd grade so I mustve been watching mature tv to think of things like
Christmas was another holiday spent without family. I
remember it being weird not being with my grammy and papa. we didnt
have a big family but we were always with them for holidays.
Things didnt get more comfortable. It was actually the start of a
whole line of nightmares for us. During christmas break my sisters and
I stayed at the house by ourselves with no parent. I remember I drank
the last of the kool-aid and the man who was Johns roomate got real
mad and started yelling at me. I was a very sassy kid. I respected my
elders, but i was always taught to get respect you have to give
respect, and these creepy men didnt deserve my respect. I got alittle
sassy back, but again i was in the 3rd grade. When I was talking back
to this Man Chuck he ripped the glass out of kool-aid out of my hand
and through the contexts of the glass at me. I dont think thats a
propper response or reaction for an adult toward a child. I dont think
thats a proper reaction for an adult that doesnt know the child.
And I dont think thats a proper reaction over fucking kool aid. I'll
never forget that. We never told my mom that. at that age my mother
was very honest with us, and I knew about the hard times she was
having and didnt want to add to it. As a child i was already taking
responsibility for my mother.
As time went on things didnt get
better. And I guess that saying "you are the company you keep" applies
with him. abuse started with John from there. started just verbal.
threats. a had grip of the arm. pushing. telling me to man up. I
remember he had broke me down so much one spring day after we'd
switched schools to near that ratchet towne house things got really
bad. our room was on the second story. I think i was 10 at the time. I
through out all the blankets and pillows out the window and jumped. I
ran and ran to one of the girls' houses from the new school. Her house
was run down, and didnt have any water, so the toilet didnt even
flush, but it was more comfortable to get away from those disgusting,
vile men. I was gone like 12 hours. once my friends mom got home and
it was time for them to do dinner and get ready I had to go, but I
wasnt going home. I walked
around the neighborhood of warren for
hours and sat at the church steps. My mom was driving our beat down
car around the neighborhood yelling my name. I heard her and decided
to go out to the car reluctantly to go to her car. I didnt tell my mom
much. I remember just not wanting to hurt her, but i just kept saying
I dont like John. She didnt care. I got in the car and that was the
end of that day.
We moved to a house on Braun street which was
centerline schools. so 3 schools in 4 school years. and it was 1
school for the first 2 1/2 years of school. before we were even moved
all the way in the house my sisters and I quickly made friends with
kids in the neighbor hood. there were kids of all ages. There was a
guy about my sister Amanda's age we hung out with. looking back he was
the first guy i was attracted to. i followed him around. I kept trying
to push my sister to be his girlfriend but she wasnt interested in
boys. I guess thats when my attraction for older men started because I
was in the 4th grade and he was old enough to have a drivers license.
One particular day we were all hanging out around the
neighborhood and we were by our house. The rule was my sister wasnt
allowed to have boys in the house, even though she clearly wasnt
interested in boys yet. My sister and I let Chad in to use the
bathroom. We werent all packed yet and Chad tripped over something and
put his foot through the wall. My sister and I were immediately
scared. didnt know what the best thing to do. Well my soultion was to
hang a picture over the hole and hoped nobody would notice. Just my
luck John came home for lunch that day with his buddy and noticed a
picture hanging up. He looked under the picture and there was a hole
there. I immediately without a thought blamed myself. Im a bad liar
but I tried. I said I was carrying a radio and i fell and the radio
went through it (my feet werent as big as the hole). Well he got so
mad he bent over and started yelling at me. picked me up off the
ground and litterally threw me in my room.
I hit my dresser and
bounced off and my head put a hole in the wall. Now he had two holes
in the house. That by the age of 11 was the first time id been put
through a wall. He told me to get up and act like a man. I just laid
there and played dead in hopes he'd stop. My sister then started
yelling at him telling him to leave her brother alone. I later found
out he did things to her at that moment that I dont think is my right
to share and whispered " be careful or ill show you how a real woman
gets treated". after whatever he had done was done he left back with
Loooking back at it how do you see your friend talking
to children and doing things to children like that and not say
anything or do anything. As an adult I blame his friend as much, now
thinking about it.
This behavior just got worse. anything that went
wrong John would take any reason to come after myself or my sister. I
would get things like man up, stop being a sissy. ya know things of
that nature. Im hitting you to make you tougher more like a man. My
sister who hadnt even had her first kiss yet and was 14 years old got
called a slut and a whore and all these nasty names. Not that it was
ok to say any of it to kids but my sister was far from those things. I
would get so angry. These episodes would happen when he was drinking
so I thought. Later I would find out there was more involved. He was
addicted to crack as well. We were living with a crack head.
The episodes just became more and more frequent. I saw
porn before the summer of 4th grade not because i was snooping but
because John would get all twisted and leave adult videos on in the
front room along with alcohol bottles, and what id find out later in
life as a crack pipe. as more and more of the things happend My older
sister Amanda felt more and more violated and disrespected, she went
to my Aunt TT and Uncle Tim and asked to move there. I didnt know at
the time why she'd left. All i knew was that I felt abandoned. I hated
her. I didnt want to even speak to her because I felt she left My
little sister and I to just fend for ourselves. Even though she wasnt
my mom and my mom
should've been protecting me, We were a team and
she abandoned me. I also felt like she just forgot about us when her
15th birthday came up and my aunt had a birthday party for her and we
werent invited. I still here different stories but I have to remember
now that It wasnt easy for her to leave and to have gone through the
things that she went through with John. I was also 11 and didnt know
what or why Amanda left and for the next couple years i had alot of
hostility and anomosity toward her.
Going forward things got worse
for me. and later on for my little sister shannon. My mom and John
fought worse. which then made John take it out on me worse. The cops
were called atleast once a month. my mother had trained us to run to
the gas station if things get bad instead of calling my grammy and
papa to get us away. I thought then that my mother didnt want her
parents to be disappointed in her. Now I think that was a very selfish
move. I have alot of annomosity now for that situation. Also the
fights got more violent with threats that if my mom didnt do things
for him that he would
kill us and her family. We went through many
times where we were held hostage for his drugs. remembering that as a
kid is very clear for me. I remember clearly the fights, the violent
words and actions upon my mother and I. It was always really weird. he
was super nice to my little sister shannon but i believed at the time
that it was because she was young.
One day I'd had enough. enough
threats. enough drugs. enough violence. He was attacking my mom and
had her cornered against the cabinet, face to face yelling at her.
saying nasty things. I had just had enough. at 11 years old I jumped
on top of this Man who was in his 30s and started hitting his head. I
hit and held on until he litterally swung me off of him. I then ran. I
ran and ran down the street hoping he wouldnt get me. He ran after me.
I jumped a fence and went into a neighbors house that i frequently
hung out at. She was in the shower but i went in and locked all of the
I was winded at this point. Evelyn was the woman's name. She
was in the shower and came out probably because she heard someone in
her house. I told her what was happening. everyone in the neighborhood
knew what was happening so she just held me. John calmly knocked on
the door asking for me. Evelyn said she wasnt handing me over. Thank
god my mom got smart. Thank god this time she decided to put herself
and kids first. Thank god my mother was smart enough to get in the car
and circle the neighborhood until John left the neighbors house, Im
assuming to go back in on my mom...but that gave me time to get in the
car and we left. We went yet again back to my Grammy's house. this
time we made ourselves comfortable.
We never saw him again on our
own will. or atleast us kids didnt. My mom snuck around seeing him.
We stayed at my grammy and papas house this time for a year. we
got into at that time good schools or better schools. I made real
friends. We had dinner at the same time every night. woke up on time.
For a moment in time we had a normal life. granted We were all
sharing a room again. I had a bed made on a treadmill. It was the best
treadmill you could ever sleep on. See my Grammys house was always
safe for me. Ive always been extra close with my grand parents.
grandma's house is my safe place. The only address that didnt change.
the only phone number ive ever memorized that i never wanted to
forget. and the only people that have never let me down. I dont think
in many situations up til that point and further down the road that I
would've made it with out her.
After a year of Living and
having a home with my grand parents we made a home in an apartment
right down the street from school and Grammy. I went there frequently
to visit Grammy and papa, Although Grammy and papa were the real
parents ive ever had, it was nice to have a home with Mom and Shannon.
A real home. A home that wasnt based on a man or wanting a man, or
trying to get away from her parents but a home just my mom and
sibling. the more we had our own place and John was out of
picture my sister Amanda started coming around. It was hard for me at
first to let her back in. Amanda was the only thing I had. We had the
same dad. we did everything together and then when she left me in that
awful situation It wasnt ok with me. After a while of knowing I
wouldnt be let down again I stopped being an angry preteen. I learned
to Let Amanda in. It was awesome to have our family back. September
Almost 4 years exactly to the date she moved out into my aunts house.
For a while. For that moment we were a family. It wasnt about men,
or drugs, or alcohol. it was us. We had our mom's full attention. Not
to mention we were right down the street from my grand parents house.
I felt safe. I hadnt felt that safe in years. maybe even ever at my
mom's house. It was nice for the time.
I turned 13 in that
apartment... and by that point I had figured out that I liked men. and
by liked, I mean i was a flaming homosexual. At the time my best
friend from my grandmas neighborhood which was my neighborhood now too
was a couple years older than I was. I told her I was gay, and She was
my biggest advocate. I had also discovered the land of the world wide
web at my dad's house. I had been not telling people my real name or
age because thats what they told you back then. Back then during the
dial up AOL days. I had been talking to a guy and I told him I was 16.
He was also 16 as well.
I went to my best friends house and she was
showing me her friend at school. She arranged a meeting, and turns out
when we met it was the same guy, same guy i'd been talking to at my
dad's house. I didnt want to tell him I lied because I wanted to get
to know him. I waited til our first date. We went to McDonalds and got
a chocolate banana shake. I remember because Banana was my favorite,
it was before i knew i was lactose intolerate and He spilled the
shake. SO in that period I came out to many people. many peoples
responses were "i know".
SO while I told him. he was alittle upset
but i am very convincing. We snuck behind everyones backs and saw each
other. I was just going into 7th grade and he was in 10th grade. I got
myself a 9th grade girlfriend as well. Tammy (in my defense she was
captain the basketball team, we never even kissed, and i thought she
was a lesbian, turns out now she has a husband and kids)
How my mom
found out although was because my first boyfriend (internet guy) was
very flayboyant. he sounded like a princess. infact he called himself
princess ___. My mom answered the phone one night and came down stairs
to the neighbors house where i was and asked. "Jake is he gay" i said
"yeaaaa?" she said " why are you hanging out with gay people". I said
" cause they're funny" She said "are you?"
In thatt moment I just
sat there and stared at her. she said "oh my god. are you fucking
serious. I didnt raise you like this".
She was the only one that
was shocked or surprised when I told her. I stayed the next 3 days
down at the neighbors apartment. My mother was really disappointed. I
think she was more afraid for me, atleast thats what she later
explains and ill get to that.
My dad however. He found out because
during one of my weekend visits I brought my journal. I brought my
journal with me everywhere. One weekend I left my journal at my dad's
house and we had gotten into an arguement. It was about me staying the
night at a girls house and he said "you're going to get her pregant
and started saying things like that to me". I said "I wont get any
girls pregnant because im gay"
After that I didnt go back over
there. I got a letter on my 14th birthday that was mailed to my
granma's house and my grandma brought it my birthday party. It said
something like he has nothing bad to say about me being gay but he can
tell I didnt want to be at his house so he
wont make me come over
anymore. he didnt want to be a burden to me anymore so get a hold of
him when i was ready pretty much. I think he was right at the time. I
did have a lot of hostility toward my father. alot of you might
remember from the last time I was in the house. But that also stemmed
from the things I was told.
I was told alot at an early age. Like
my dad cheated on my mom. IF that happend. IF that is true, I never
shouldve known that. Same with my step dad Russ. He cheated on my mom
with her best friend. I knew about that the whole time. from the
start. I should never have known that. There were alot of things I
shouldnt have known growing up. But while growing up I didnt know any
Which gets into a different topic. I was more friends
with my mother as a teenager. as a kid. My mother was my best friend
until a certain time.
Can i also put a side note in here. also the
year i came out was the same year that "Queer as Folk" came out. So
before coming out my mother and i would watch Soap operas all the
time. One of the rare times we had cable and Tv's in our room. When we
moved up in the times, I had showtime in my room for a couple months.
my mom walked in and asked what i was watching during an episode of
"Queer as Folk". I told her it was just a new showtime soap opera.
Not only was there man on man action, but also I was barely 14. how
could you think it was an OK soap opera for me to watch. whatever. she
believed it. and then after that I would go to the neighbors apartment
to watch it. I related so much to that show. especially with Justin
because I was the justin. The little blonde boy inserting myself into
the gay scene.
A few months into the apartment my mom met and
started dating Don. Kinda upset me. right after I was coming out she
started showing attention to another man. and it bothered me. and i
automatically jumped to the conclusion that she didnt want to be close
to me because I was gay. Thats when our relationship started becoming
rocky. although I still thought the world of her, thats when I
realized in my mothers eyes, we (us kids) were only important as long
as there wasnt a man around.
From there on I was a normal
teenager. Or atleast what I thought was a normal teenager. My friends
were older. So i went to school. I came home or their house and did
whatever. hung out. talked to boys. I had a very tight secure group of
girlfriends growing up that i thought would be my friends, my family
forever. We would smoke cigarettes, and drink on the weekend. It was
boys, parties and booze. thats what I did on the weekends with my
I was still so close with my childhood friend that i
met while at my grand parents house, and I became a part of their
famiily. Her parents were my parent. I talked to them every day. I had
my own bed there, and sometimes my own room. When I was 16 my mom got
tired of trying to fight with me and she allowed me to move out. I
moved into my friend Niki's house. Her mom allowed me to move into her
house. (oh i forgot to mention I lost my bottom virginity to my boss
at the time) I worked at the roseville theatre, dropped out and did
high school online, and did cosmetology school 8 hours a day, 5 days a
So I lived with my friend and her mother. I was very secrure
there. I later found out that my friend's mother was an escort. Yes a
prostitute. We would drop her off at different motels for her to meet
after living on my own for a few years and getting
my dad's child and my job I met jeremy my fist love.
We were on and
off for years. 16-20. we tried to make it work but it didnt. he didnt
want the same things i suppose. He slept with everyone i knew. he
slept with my best friend. the guy I called my best friend since I was
14. He was sleeping with the whole time.
Right after Jeremy. I
started fucking. not dating. fucking and doing cocaine with Dakota
(which is what he called himself here at cbl). we fucked around for
about 2-3 months. he said he moved to yellow stone park, great. i was
rid of him and Jeremy. Jeremy fucked me over for 4 years. I was done
being fucked over. Then there was "Dakota". He claimed he liked/loved
me.he also was a lie. he had nothing positive to bring to my life but
maybe a positive on an std test, which thank god always came back
Dakota was sleeping with everyone and come to find out he
was a drug runner.
So I was done with guys. done With jeremy.
Done with Dakota. My friend Nic went to CBL collegeboyslive.com. I
applied. I figured Nic was so tame,I got this too. I applied for CBL.
I went to orlando and applied. I was so shy,until i heard someone
talking shit over chat. someone's name Dakota. I was drunk and got
pissed. GREAT!. I told Zac the founder... either you can put me in
orland and ill have a great time.
You can put me in Tampa and ill
fight or you can not accept me at all. thats how that'll play out.
Well i got a call back for Tampa. I went and lived with "Dakota". That
was here in CBL and the rest was history.
So during CBL i
saved up my money. I had so much money Id never seen before. I went to
NYC, a cruise, NYC, and back to FLorida. I did alot. I was living on
top of the world. I got a job. and still paid 6 months ahead of an
I got out of CBL on May 7,2009. In october 2009 I went
in for a normal STD test. Anyone who knew me in CBL knew i was a
prude. I never had sex in the house. anyways. I took the test in 2009
one week before halloween. just and annual. nothing could be wrong.
Well One week after Halloween i got the call. come in to the office. I
obviously went in. well guess what. I was HIV postive. how the fuck
could this happen. I went in and they ask questions like who? when?
why? what? I had no answers. I couldnt even answer them. I didnt even
know what to say.
Its a fucked up situation, I couldnt believe i
had it. i barely slept with anyone. litterally.
After that I
did some drugs. by some i mean all. cocaine, meth, heroine, crack.
acid. everthing. I was so depressed. there wasnt a night i wasnt
depressed. like litterally depressed to the point I was black out
drunk every night i didnt remember anything. I did the doctor thing.
took all the pills. but after that nobody
knew about anything. I
would just get drunk and not tell anyone. My little secret. never did
i tell anyone.
Dec 12. 2012, the best and worst day to come to
me. I was asleep. i had a cold and I never got sick. HIV or not I
never got sick. well that day I wasnt feeling good so i took NyQuil,
but my best friends call me to pick them up. Im totallly a sheep. so
when i went to get them they beg
me to come in for a beer. At the
setimental Lady. One of my favorite places because they still let you
smoke in there. Anyways i got there at like 11:30. I drank 3 beers and
2 shots from 11:30 til 2 am. plus the NyQuil I drank. back then i was
108 lbs. I saw the flashing lights and I was getting pulled over.
inside I was saying "FUCK" but in my head i was saying "THANK GOD". I
needed a change. I needed a savior. The law was it for me.
got caught and sentenced to 2 years I did everything by the book,
meetings, reportings and testings. I also got reported to counseling.
I did it reluctantly. after therapy I relized i need it. I got off
probation a year early because i used the system for what it was
supposed to be. The system is not meant to destroy you,
is meant to help you. After I got off probation I continued with
therapy. After reading my early years you can understand why. I kept
up with my therapy and my doctors appointments and stayed medically
and mentally healthy.
This last year after long and hard
planning to come to florida i realized Im never going to do it with
everyone at home always needing something,
I reached out to Zac. He
told me to apply to CBL again.
Here I am at CBL again. I
personally love it this time. this time its not suprise someone here
from michigan. This time its not surprise Zac is only here when
someone is in trouble. I honestly love hanging out wiht Zac this time
(even though hee thinks i always look nervous, most people think i
look like a bitch so thats a step up).
I love everyone i room with
this time. its such a positive atmosphere. so here i am. a whole new
person. HIV, Therpay, and Positive. cant wait to get to know everyone.
Jake is here. pictures to come.