MY EARLY YEARS


Joshua Bailey
Right from the start, I was destined for failure.

My biological parents, Mark and Tammy, had already had two children. Unsuccessfully raising these two must have really made them think that having a third, would provide them with the opportunity to make things right, and to be great parents. The only problem with that is, in order to be good parents, and to show the love and support that a child needs, you must first be able to feel love towards each other. Instead of trying to make it work with having children, you should work on your relationship. Needless to say, my parents yet again failed on attempting to raise a third child. My parents were very violent, towards each other, and also towards us boys.

My dad, being arrested for domestic a few times, and a few more times for abusing my brother and I to the point where we were hospitalized, was clearly unfit to be a parent. My mother, who couldnít hold a job even though he kids lives depended on it, didnít know any other discipline than screaming, was and is probably one of the worst people that I have ever known in my life. At about three years old, I have a vague memory, of her screaming in my face, telling me I was a mistake, and should never have been born. At this point in my life, I agree. I shouldnít have been born, to her anyway. At this point CPS had removed my brothers and I and placed us into the care of our grandmother. This wasnít a thing to be happy about either. See, the way it went was, my mother wanted my oldest brother, Shean. My grandmother, wanted the middle brother, Owen, which left me SOL and no one wanted me. No one. At four years old my grandfathersí health took a turn for the worse and my grandmother couldnít take care of three boys all under 10 and a dying husband.

My uncle and aunt in-law were asked if I could stay with them. So in November I moved in with them and literally had nothing. So they get me signed up for school, and get me everything I need. School was very rough for me. I was kicked out of ďnormalĒ school at least once a year from pre-k to 3rd grade. Once for threatening a teacher with a play dough knife, again for breaking a teacherís nose with me shoe (off my foot). Those are just some examples I donít really remember what else I did I got placed in a school with kids with anger issues, which to me seemed stupid, like yes, letís put all the kids who have problems staying calm into one area.

Around the age of 11 I was joined into boy scouts to try and get me around people and help me be able to learn to control myself. I ended up making a few friends and being invited over for a sleep over. So I go over and was all hanging out and its going good. We played a few games and watched a couple of movies and then it was time to sleep. I lay down next to my friend Adam; I have a huge issue with falling asleep at other peoples houses until Iím comfortable with them. So Iím laying there, and then he moves closer and puts his arm around me. I was like okay, I actually donít mind this. And then next thing I know, my dick is in this boyís mouth. That was my first gay experience. Then about two weeks later, we go to one of our Boy Scout leaderís houses to hang out for a while. This is where I learned that my friend had been being molested and that it had been going on for a while. This also would be the beginning of me being molested as well for the next 6 years. Not really sure why I didnít say anything to anyone but, I just couldnít. In August of 2008 my adoption went through.

In December of 2008 my adoptive parents ended their marriage. It was decided I would stay with my mom. This is also around the time that my mom got with my step dad. At the time he was an alcoholic, abusive, he had 3 kids, all boys, the oldest only being a few months older than I am. At 15 I developed a strong addiction to prescription pills. Hydrocodone 10s and oxycodone 30s were my favorite. I was never caught, and I got off them by myself, but I would literally do anything for my pills. At 18 my mother decided it would be a good idea to pick up my phone, and be nosey and read my messages. This was a bad idea on her part considering the fact she didnít know that I was gay. I had gone to the bathroom, left my phone on the counter for a whole two seconds. I walk out of the bathroom, she looks at me, says you and so-n-so have been lovers for the past three months. I froze, literally didnít know what to say, but I was done hiding, she had asked me before, but I had said no, and she truly believed me, but not this time. I said yes, so what, and she just gave me this disgusted look, and said ďso what? That shits not okay in MY house.Ē I said whatever and walked away. My mother who had stood by my side for 14 years, stepped up and was a parent to me when she didnít have to, who had never ever let me down, had finally shunned me, and had finally let me down. So, to deal with it, back to the pills I went, I was getting fucked up in school. So much to the point that I would pass out in class, and to add to it all, I had found xanax.

This is a really strong anxiety pill. I would be pooping pills all day at school, come home and snort what I had left. I was working part time and had no bills, getting about 250 a paycheck, and would spend 200 a week on pills. And I got some pretty good deals, like I would get probably 10 xanax bars, 10 oxy 30s (a $20 pill), and 15 hydro 10s. and do them all in a week. I stayed away from everyone. I didnít talk to anyone, I didnít go anywhere, I stayed home and kept to myself. The summer after graduation I quit doing pills again cold turkey. The cause of this would have been the girl I was fucking told me she was pregnant. So for two and a half months I wasted my life, and my time, on someone who lied to me and I wasnít even interested in anyway. But I guess it was good because it helped me kick a nasty addiction. In august of 2015 I moved to Florida to live with my biological dad. Within two months I had found the friends that I have now. I was dating Devon at the time and things with us were good.

On December 26th, I met everyone, Patrick, Joe, Brandon, Armani, Michael, Nick, Luis, and of course, Chance. Whoís a story all in himself and ill get to that. But let me finish this story first. So we go out to celebrate shaddy pattys birthday, and we go to p house in Orlando, and itís a really good night. We all go back to their house and chill there, and eventually go in and lay down. Let me tell you whoís all in this bedÖ Justin, Chance, MY BOYFRIEND, Michael, some random boy that went to the club with us and I donít recall his name , and me. Devon pretty much pushes away from me and cuddles up next to Michael. Michael pretty much shrugs him off and moves away. Then, Devon decides that he wants Justin, so as Iím laying there, I can feel the bed moving from them, I literally didnít say a single word, I was so pissed I just got up, put my clothes on, and walked out of the house to smoke a cigarette. Devon comes outside and starts freaking out, on me, like he had no clue what was going on. I literally had to walk away, so I start walking down the road, I only needed some space and a few moments to myself to calm myself so I didnít beat the shit out of him when I broke up with him. He would not leave me alone. So I told him we were done, and HE hit ME, I snapped, and he ran from me like a little bitch, then comes up to me trying to apologize and be sincere and all that bullshit, I told him again I was done with him, so he pushed me, I tripped and cut my lower abdomen on a fence, he runs away yet again. So now, I'm beyond pissed, I canít go back to that house cause id end up hurting him, and I'm in St. Pete, and I live in Clearwater. So I walked my ass all the way home. I was then invited back to their house the next day, and of course I went because Devon was gone. And enter, Chance. He and I instantly connected. We talked for hours, about everything and anything, nothing was off limits and nothing was a secret. This lasted for an amazing two months, but sadly, like all good things, it ended. I was crushed for a very, very long time. I was eventually able to get over this. And I was able to move on. Still carrying feelings, of course because I always have hope. In November of 2016 I moved back to NY for like 10 months, got slightly addicted to pills again and decided that Florida was best for me. So I got a hold of a few friends and they decided to drive all the way to NY and picked me up and brought me here. Applied to the house, and here we are 

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