Austin' Early years

My name is Austin and this is an excerpt of some of the most notable experiences Iíve had in the years leading up to now. Thereíve been countless times where Iíve wanted to give up on my journey, some grueling times, some boring, some exciting, some positive, and some heart-wrenching. Equally so theyíve been numerous other occasions where experiences, people, and waves of awareness have immensely outweighed the negatives and make living life a blissful endeavor that Iím continuing to learn to revere. I have many more years of grinding, mistakes, learning, love, and triumphs before I can confidently say Iíve completed an accurate ďEarly Years AutobiographyĒ, but let me describe it to you as it presently exists.

To explain my early beginnings, you would need to understand an integral part of the story of how my parents came together and why. My father and mother could be described as follows: a boy and a girl, both of whom were born into underprivileged, extremely dysfunctional families existing through bleak and miserable lifestyles. On my motherís side of the family, my grandmother, grandfather and their 3 children moved down to Florida from the solitude of a small Vermont township a short time after my mother was born. Throughout the entire 30 years they were married and together, it was absolute hell for my grandmother as she was abused, threatened and run-over time and time again by my grandfather who can never be found sober, even to this day. They separated about 30 years ago allowing my grandfather to take custody of one of his kids and my grandmother taking custody of my mother and my uncle. The abuse, neglect, and pain my grandmother tolerated molded her into a stronger and more sympathetic person, solely for the purpose of seeing her kids live a better life than she had experienced. She maintained forgiveness regularly and relished caring for people even if she had nothing left to give, her most transcendent virtue thatís demonstrated to be the pinnacle of her existence; she continually serves as inspiration to all of her family and friends even after her somber passing away in 2016. By the time my grandfather moved out of the house was around the same time my mother was turning 10 years old. At this point in the story she had been seeing a neighbor boy who was just a few years older than herself. This boy was under foster care and would eventually go back to live with his biological family after a few years. The reason behind his uprooting was due to his biological parents giving birth to 8 children yet they could barely take care of themselves. They were also notorious at being extremely cruel and all around abusive to their kids, living amidst filthy conditions. This next-door neighbor boy would eventually become to be known as my father as time passed.

At the ingenuous ages of 14 and 16, my parents decided to have me as their first and only child together. Records filed in Manatee Memorial Hospital reveal I was born on Sunday July 21st, 1996 at 7:38am. As far as Iím aware, there were no complications with the birth process except for the fact that my parents decided to have me circumcised, a big mistake considering the extra skin wouldíve came in handy during the many nights it was just me and righty, all alone. My parents never married, but lived together up until I was 5 years old, at which point they split-up due to financial stress coupled with a love-hate relationship followed closely by accusations of cheating on both sides. After their separation, my mother maintained sole physical custody of my persons whereas after many lengthy family court proceedings, my father was permitted visitation days if child support payments were made in full and on time. The matter of child support payments has persistently been a blistering topic of disagreement between my parents. Throughout my entire life my father has capriciously paid his child support payments, being rock steady some years while being utterly negligent other years. This would be a perfect occasion to hold it over my fatherís head in a display of outright disparage towards his character, but the only justice that serves is to reveal my own foolish imperfections, for exploiting another personís shortcomings and believing that itís honorable in some self-gratifying way. Rather, Iíve come to be sympathetic of my fatherís own rationalizations which give me a better understanding of the dynamics at play in my parentís relationship and ultimately where I fit in the picture. Such as how my mother impulsively moved around the state as well as the country throughout the years, bringing me along for the ride. This was a direct violation of the child custody agreement that was in effect and my father felt he never received reasonable visitation with his son at times. Even though relations between my father and I became stale as time loitered on, childhood memories which havenít wandered far from the recesses of my mind remain warm, very special to me - it goes without saying that his presence in my life serves as a vital part of how I came to be who I am today, alongside the million other moving parts.

As youíve guessed, my parents had no clue what they were doing when they had me at such a young age. During my toddler years both my parents worked full-time whereas I would normally spend most of my days and nights with various friends and family members. As I grew older I would often be dropped off at a small day-care run from a rural house, managed by an elderly couple who were laid-back and enjoyable to be around. Papi (the name I used to call the caregiver) is solely responsible for the heinous act of causing me to become brutally addicted and dependent on Little Debbie sweet cakes. Oatmeal creme pies, cosmic brownies, zebra cakes, honey buns, marshmallow supremes, and that god damn SWISS CAKE ROLL! Those devil cakes would be the staple of each meal we had and I loved them to death! I remember sulking and being unduly miserable for the rest of the day if I wasnít allowed a frosted fudge cake. Papi also taught me how to swim at an early age and I would play in the pool for hours on end, which explains why I love to swim. But now that Iím thinking it over, I believe it was merely an effort to get me to work off all that sugar I consumed. For a long time, there was a girl that had visited the house regularly and we became best friends. We would play many different games and muddle with Papi and Nanna until they couldnít keep up with us anymore. One of the most infamous things this girl did to me which bewilders me even to this day was her showing me what a vagina looks like and where my penis was intended to fit. At the time, and even for years afterwards, I had no clue on what it meant or that it was an atrocious act of deviance. She thought we were well hidden from Papiís eyes behind an air compressor outside the home, but that was a very foolish miscalculation because he caught us red handed in a very uncanny way. My mother removed me from the daycare the very next day and I remember waving from the car window, crying because I had no hint on why I was never going to see her again.

Fast-forward to when my parents separated after my 5th birthday, my mother gets involved in a new relationship. She was slowly descending into a mindset of hopelessness as financial stress and light drug dependencies started developing (a common theme among our family). But the issue was further compounded with the introduction of this man. A very harrowing experience as my mother has yet to explain to me in full detail the extent of their relationship. This man was an associate of a shady Florida biker gang who was very intimidating to say the least. Riddled with tattoos across his body and always wearing leather, he jockeyed a large Harley chopper and had a firm, raspy smokerís voice. I remember one occasion when I was walking home after getting out of Elementary school and he appeared out of nowhere to pick me up. My heart sank lower than the depths of hell and chills crept down my spine just seeing his jacket flapping in the wind, dark shades on, bald head shining in the sun, and flamed motorcycle revved up. He would go on to be a fun and classy guy at first but as time mellowed his true identify would reveal his motives to be sadistic and heartless. He provided my mother with hard drugs and would occasionally beat her. Nightly forecasts of yelling and bitter fights were anticipated. This man would eventually voyage to be more abusive and scathing towards me. Eventually he would progress to traumatize me in the middle of the night by molesting me in my sleep then gripping my feet and yanking me out of my bed just to see me cry after I hit the bedframe and floor. He would whisper slanders in my ear and threaten to kill me if I made a noise and then demand me to change into torn underwear which exposed all of my genitals, so that he could jerk off to me and mock me. After about 8 months into the relationship, he persuaded my mother to move to Texas near his family, which is when I transferred to an elementary school in Dallas. At this point things got increasingly unpredictable between this man and my mother and there would be random acts of craziness too peculiar to share with you. After living in Texas for a couple months, my mother had a life-changing personal realization to change her ways or she would find herself going down the same path as her broken family. Using the cold turkey approach, she stopped smoking cigarettes, doing drugs, and drinking alcohol and to this day I havenít saw a single inclination of her being tempted by them or even joking about using them.

After breaking up with this abusive man we moved back to Florida and started attending a Christian church. She was particular in the church she wanted to be apart of so for about a year and a half we hopped churches. I was irritated with this practice because as soon as I would make new friends, I would be ripped out of that environment never to see them again, so making new friends became less and less of a priority for me as I grew older. Fortunately, after settling down at a local church my mother became captivated with the environment and we spent a considerable amount of time learning from the pastors there. Eventually, my mother came to know a church goer who owned a small real estate brokerage firm and was able to land a job as a real estate agent. She would go on to spend the next 8 years working in that arena, providing stability to the household while acting as the sole bread winner. During this time I had made a few friends of which I enjoyed spending most of my time with, such as Ethan. I would spend a lot of days with Ethan playing games, watching movies, making jokes, pissing off our parents and doing boy things with. A myriad of memories encircles our friendship and it had me wondering a few times if I really liked, liked him. But I wasnít mature enough to really comprehend it. It wasnít until 5 years later when my mother moved us to a bigger church that I would compete with the hormones coursing through my 12 year old body.

During this period of my life, I had gotten fully submerged in a sizable church located in Tampa, Florida which had a global presence. This opened up several opportunities for my mother and me as we became a part of crusade operations that had us travelling to various venues across the United States. In the early stages of our involvement with the church my mother made acquaintances with another single mother who had 2 sons named Noah and William, both around my age, and we all shared very similar characteristics which would ultimately bind us all closer together during these excursions across the states. For around 5 years, I travelled with a caravan of about 20-30 people to cities such as Tallahassee, FL, Albany, GA, Abilene, TX, Phoenix, AZ, Compton, CA, Inglewood, CA, Charlotte, NC, Washington D.C, Baltimore, MD, Philadelphia, PA, Bronx, NY, Chicago, IL, and Billings, MO spending weeks and months at a time in each location to pitch huge revival meetings for the church including various outreach programs. I would visit countless nursing homes and pray with people on their death beds, some actually passing away minutes after we prayed with them, talked with thousands of people on the streets doing one-on-one evangelism, and attended large events to pray for crowds of people. The number of experiences Iíve had over these 5 years could fill a lifetimeís worth of memories and Iím appreciative of it to this day, even though Iíve matured to the point of disputing the legitimacy of organized religion. Noah and William accompanied me throughout this entire time period and we grew to be best friends of which I still keep in contact with. I had a tremendous fascination with William for a long time but could never put a finger on it until I was 16 years old and realized that we both had crushes on each other. Certain cues that I missed which told me he liked me yet I never fully appreciated the gestures and play on words he used frequently. He was a nice tall, fit, black kid that had a gorgeous face, sensitizing smile and was awkward, somewhat like myself. On numerous occasions, during church service he would slip his hand under my thigh and make a little smirk as if he was content with his feelings, and I always thought it was just an act of him not recognizing what he was doing or that he was cold (as sometime it was very cold during these church services). Noah on the other hand was likewise handsome and I clicked more with him than I did with William, most likely because we were of the same age. But even to this day I fantasize what couldíve been if I wasnít such a flake and decided to ignore my sexuality. I feel as if my experiences with William and Noah edged me into the realm of being more exploring with my sexuality after we parted ways. My mother laid off from the revival crusades after a good stunt and we became heavily involved in volunteering at the church. They had a multi-million dollar productions suite they used to do national broadcasts every night, I volunteered nearly every day. I garnered much experience in this field learning from seasoned professionals while getting an understanding on the hard work being accomplished behind the scenes of video production. I also worked in their audio engineering, IT servicing, hospitality, and call center departments for about 5 years on and off. It kept me very busy and integrated with the entire community. After some time, my mother needed an alternate source of income and decided to work as a sales rep for a Utah based company. This is where a new chapter opened up in my life.

During these escapades with my mother, I spent a considerable amount of time travelling to various cities such as San Francisco, CA, Los Vegas, NV, Phoenix, AZ, Chicago, IL, Cleveland, OH, Philadelphia, PA, Virginia Beach, VA, and Oahu, HI spending about 4-6 months in each city and getting to experience the best each city had to offer. I was completing my schooling through online classes as I had been since middle school but there were many days and nights I was left alone to myself, which got very solitary. Although many more experiences trailed these adventures, there were many days and even weeks I was left to my own devices being secluded in my apartment while the internet was the only consultant to keep me occupied. It was at this point I became well-rounded with the inner workings of the internet, computer systems, and technology. It was also the time when my hormones were peaking at maximum capacity and I developed an addiction to porn. There were times I could jerk off 4-6 times a day and then start sifting through various fetishes just to keep me stimulated! It got so bad my mother checked through my browsing history on a day I accidently forgot to clear it and she discovered various things so ungodly she had to have a 3 hour conversation with me. It got better with time of course, especially when I started to get out of the apartment more often and worked on various odd jobs. I developed a attraction towards guys during this period as well. The beauty and handsomeness guys possessed compared to girls were inexcusable. I felt like I always knew I was attracted to guys but it never registered until I took a deep look at porn.

While in Philadelphia, my mother started seeing a co-worker who was charming, sweet, and caring at the same time. I didnít have much of an opinion of him yet she was beyond infatuated with his Colombian genes. After 8 months of seeing each other, she got married for the first time and 4 years later would go on to have a baby together. The circumstances surrounding this marriage are unusual at best. First, it turned out that he was extremely narcissistic and had ulterior motives for marrying in the first place. Secondly, I suspected that he was gay since he spent most of his time locked away in his room, completely isolated and it turned out to be true. Thirdly, he tried on multiple occasions to segregate me from communicating with my mother and to turn her against me in abnormal ways. It ultimately turned into a 3 year battle that oppressed my mind with a serious case of depression. It was absolute hell for me mentally and at times unimaginable thoughts would circle around my head for hours on end until I was ready to punch walls or someone close enough to me. Luckily right when I turned 18, I moved out the house to get away and learn on my own by being independent. It worked without a hitch.

Jumping head first into alarm technician work I did a little traveling of my own, working in Brooklyn, NY, Fort Worth, TX, Indianapolis, IN, Jersey City, NJ, Baltimore, MD, Norfolk, VA, and back home all across central Florida. I did this for 3 and half years, working my ass off, Monday through Saturday, 12 hours a day and earned middle-class wages for the entirety of my employment before I was let go due to circumstances surrounding my own negligence. To explain it a more blatantly, after an afternoon of drinking with the co-workers I slipped on a concrete block and dislocated my arm which took about a month to heal. I was eventually let go because I wasnít able to work and then banished back to my home state to recover from the financial loss. During this time my car was repoíd and I was completely gridlocked. An old friend of mine lent a helping hand and allowed me to drive his Mazda CX-7 to be able to get around and he even offered me employment at his various businesses. Unfortunately a short awhile afterwards an elderly woman pulled out too early in the middle of an intersection and completely wrecked the Mazda including her Kia. Luckily she was not harmed nor was I but both cars were absolutely obliterated. A series of misfortunes including the various courts proceedings that have arose have triggered extreme setbacks. I eventually found a craigslist listing for The Gay Real World Cast enrollment and decided it would be a great change in direction in my life and would aid me in getting back on my feet while allowing me to be more open with my sexuality. Y

I have yet to come out to my parents due to personal fears of complete abandonment but Iím open to the proposition. I have told a few of my very close friends and family members of whom have agreed to keep it confidential. They were very accepting once I explained to them that I was gay, one of my friends had even admitted to me that they were gay, which was surreal to say the least. I believe Iím still in a phase where Iím not sure if coming out will harm me in the long run or if I should keep it to a need-to-know basis in an effort of self-preservation. If youíve made it this far in my autobiography I appreciate your interest in my life and I hope to share more stories with you as we get to know each other more! To be continuedÖ